I have never posted on a Web site before, but I feel in the mood to vent my frustration a little.
My older brother who is a schizophrenic lives with me, as he has no where else to go. I applied for section housing about five years ago, and I am still hopeful that it will be available soon. However, two years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer and had surgery to remove his left lung. I don’t know if he can live by himself any longer, and I wonder if he will have to stay with me for the rest of my life.
The extent to which his illness effects my life each day is unbelievable. If you have ever lived with a schizophrenic or if you are living with a schizophrenic, then you know exactly how I feel. Our parents are both gone now. I was there for my dad when he was ill, and again for my mom until her death seven years ago. That was hard, but nothing compared to this. Not in a physical way, but in an emotional way. It is like having a child, except there is no control and nothing ever changes as this “child” never grows up.
My brother, will not bathe, unless I make him. Needless to say he smells pretty bad. He doesn’t change clothes between showers most of the time and will even sit in pants he has wet in due to an enlarged prostate. His room is disgusting to say the least, and every time he leaves for a day or two, I clean it out. To do this I have to put Vick’s under my nose to keep from gagging. His room is located off a very nice patio, that only he can use because no one else can stand the smell. He sits on the patio chain smoking one cigarette after another, with no thought in mind to anyone else.
Over the past 4 to 5 years I have grown to resent him. That is the worst part of this situation. I feel bad for how I feel and hope that he doesn’t know the truth. I doubt he does, because people with this illness don’t seem to give any thought to others. I don’t feel like I can invite people over, believing they will be uncomfortable around him, so I have isolated myself for years.
I’m single, but I will not date. I can’t bring this baggage into a relationship or marriage, so why bother with dating? If anyone out there has some good advice for me on how to accept this responsibility with more grace I would appreciate the gesture. I am sure there are similar stories out there I can learn from.
Please don’t advise me to kick him out. I have already done that once when I found out he was using crystal meth. He was in the middle of chemotherapy at the time, so I let him back in with the understanding that he would not use drugs anymore. As far as I know, he hasn’t. I think he knows that would be it for me.
9. April 2009
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